By John Doe, BUSH ’41

Aries: You couldn’t afford to go to India or Germany in the spring, but fortunately International Beer Night counts for 3 credit hours. It’s a good class.

Taurus: You begin to question your likelihood of finding a job when you see acronyms taking on new meanings: DIA (Do it Again), CIA (Can’t Interpret Application), FEMA (Federal Employment My @$$), DEA (Don’t Even Apply), DHS (Doesn’t Hire Students), FBI (Far Beyond Impossible), PMF (Promises More Frustration).

Gemini: Your recent speech on West African intervention had less substance than puns: Mali was a pain, Togo or not Togo in with forces is the question, and theres a chance that the entire thing could be a Burkina Fiasco.

Cancer: Word of advice: Saying “I just saw Les Miserables at zero dark thirty with my gangster squad” doesn’t make you sound any tougher, and the fact is everyone still knows you cried.

Leo: If your Spring Break plans involve the word regression, then you ought to remove the word break.

Virgo: Interview Conference Weekend goal: Bring Johnny Football to the Bush School.

Libra: You scored major points among Bush School insiders when you wrote a letter and finished it with, “P.S. It’s a noble calling.”

Scorpio: Don’t be fooled. The laughter on the other end of the phone during your language exam was not because of your witty conversational skills. On the bright side, an extra semester gives you more time to find a job.

Sagittarius: The newest Phillips 66 internship opened at the Phillips 66 around the corner: Your resume is being strongly considered.

Capricorn: Attending the mingling mixer and etiquette dinner in gym shorts and a “dress” tank top while explaining that, “when the sun is out, the guns are out” is not building your professional image. Move back two spaces.

Aquarius: The good news is you made really good friends during the first three semesters. The bad news is that you have one semester to lose them thanks to Capstone.

Pisces: You will hear the following at least four more times this week: “Rabble rabble rabble, my program is so much harder and populated by so much more industrious and diligent people because we work harder and know more. Rabble rabble rabble” says person x from program y.

Note: The Radish is the satire category of the Public Servant. All views expressed in this article should not be taken seriously and are more than likely fictional. If any of these views are offensive to you, please suck it up, and keep your views to yourself.